From Codependency To .mitment – Part 3-denka

14 Jun

RECREATING OUR CHILDHOOD Another aspect of moving from codependence to co-commitment is to free ourselves from our childhood programming. Many of us tend to recreate one or both of our parents in our spouse or even in our children. We unconsciously chose persons who are very similar or opposite to our parents. In this way, we work through various dramas that were initiated in our childhood years. If we function unconsciously relative to these issues from our past, they will simply fester and poison our happiness and relationship. So many times, while counseling persons having difficulty with their loved ones, we have come to the very clear conclusion that they are simply recreating what happened with one or both of the parents, and that, if they do not work on transforming what happened in the past, the possibilities for harmony in their present relationship are slim. MARIA AND JOHN Maria and John love and respect each other, but they are plagued with frequent arguments and clashes in which each departs feeling hurt and abused. John feels Maria does not accept him, always tells him what to do, or questions what he has done. He perceives her as his interrogator. When John feels that Maria is doubting his ability or his judgment, he interprets that as her doubting his self-worth, something his mother did continuously by telling him he would never accomplish anything in his life. He then protects himself by shouting angrily so as to intimidate her. Maria fears his behavior, as this is exactly what her father did when she was a child. She backs off and closes into herself for days, feeling misunderstood, hurt and abused. She now feels that she is the victim. John also closes up, feeling hurt and unappreciated for all that he does for the family. He cannot accept having his every action and decision doubted. Feeling victimized, he becomes aloof and avoids communication at least for a few days. This goes on and on because Maria has not yet worked out her fear of her father and John has not confronted the rejection of his mother. Their freedom lies in working with their inner child. This process is discussed in the book the Psychology of Happiness and on our web site OLGA AND GEORGE Olga and George also love and respect each other very much. Olga, however, is very much annoyed by George’s smoking. The smoke bothers her physically, but she is emotionally hurt because he continues even though she has explained how much it bothers her. She is hurt more by George’s ignoring her request than by the smoke itself. She thinks, "If he loved me, he would comply with my request." This is a reenactment of her childhood years when she learned that her needs as a child and as a woman were "not important" and that others would not pay attention to them. She became programmed to believe that, as a woman, she was simply there to serve and sacrifice. George loves and admires his wife. He, however, feels that as the man of the house, he cannot be running out to the balcony every time he wants to smoke. This is his home which he has created through his hard work. He doesn’t want to bother his wife with his smoke, but he cannot accept being limited in this way. He feels that his self-image as a man is being intimidated by her request. This too is reflection of his childhood when his parents limited his freedom of expression. He now wants to be free to do as he pleases. Olga now wants to be able to express her needs and have them respected. Each will have to work on transforming those childhood experiences. In addition, they would do well to employ techniques for solving problems where their needs conflict in the chapter on that subject. The following check list helps to summarize the difference between codependence and co-commitment. SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY 1. We need the others approval. We fear his or her rejection. 2. We cannot feel well if the other does not feel well. 3. We need to solve the other’s problems for him. 4. We cannot be happy unless the other is satisfied with us. 5. We need to protect the other or be protected by him or her. 6. We need the other in order to feel secure, worthy or happy. 7. We are afraid to tell the truth because the other might become hurt or angry. 8. We lose contact with our needs and live through the other’s needs. 9. We cannot imagine living without the other. 10. We compete for power and self worth. 11. We avoid participating in the other’s interests. SYMPTOMS OF CO-COMMITMENT 1. We accept ourselves and the other. 2. We want the other to be well, but can be well when he cannot or does not want to be. 3. We help the other in any way we can, but do not take responsibility for solving his or her problems. 4. We want the other to be satisfied, but can be happy even when he or she is not. 5. We have faith in our mutual ability to protect ourselves. 6. We feel safe, secure and happy from within. 7. We communicate the truth in all cases. 8. We try to find a fair balance between our needs and the other’s. 9. We want to be together and enjoy each other, but can accept sometimes being apart. 10. We empower each other. 11. We participate in each other’s interests. From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love" By Robert Elias Najemy About the Author: Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lectures on Human Harmony. Download wonderful ebooks, 100’s of free articles, courses, and mp3 audio lectures at Find 8 of his books at Article Published On: ..articlesnatch.. – Relationships 相关的主题文章: